Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
