dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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