I bet he comes in French.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
No more Irish car bombs ever.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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