I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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