I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
