All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
