I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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