3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
