My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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