make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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