fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
