You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Randomize
