If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
