Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
