my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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