Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I have surprise drugs for everyone
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
