I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
