I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
