It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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