Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I stole a fireplace last night.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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