I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
