if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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