Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
