if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
