Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
