I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
