My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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