You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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