Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
