i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Sober January is a disaster.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
