cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
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