i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
