Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
