It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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