I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
