I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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