peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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