I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize