in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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