she woke up with a sticky ear
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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