bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
