There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
