I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
