If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
