the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
