My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
He had one of those small greek statue penises
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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