i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
