anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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