Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
