So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
