My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
