so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
