I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
