worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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