We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize