she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
