shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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