I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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