First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
