He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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