ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
