I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
