My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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