I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
True strength comes from lack of pants
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize