i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
