this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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