After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
