my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
