the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
