my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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