my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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