shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
