did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
