First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
