plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
