oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
