I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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