Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize