the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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