Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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