My pussy is not your playground.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
